little things can be big things when they all get together

First off, thanks to everyone who sent me a message or comment wondering where in the helicopter (learned that from my favorite weight loss diva, Ruby!) I was for two weeks. Your kindness and consideration are so appreciated, really, those meant the world to me. I kept up reading everyone's posts I just didn't have the gumption to comment, what the heck kind of blog friend am I anyway? I loved reading all your Mother's Day recaps. You are all wonderful moms who inspire me everyday, you all deserve all the loveliness (and more) that you received. This is my hanging basket from my Mother's Day, I love it. I am also glad that we are beginning to get some warmer weather here, still raining like crazy but with pockets of warmth.

I was here, kind of. I guess just having my own private pity party. Does that make sense? Life was happening and it just seemed like every day was bringing me more and more down. I have told this to my big tall hubby so many times: little things all added up can be big things. What I mean is, a tragedy, for example, is really awful and everyone expects you to feel bad/sad/depressed/angry/whatever. But how about just lots of little things that don't go how you'd like them to go, put them all together and I swear you can feel just as bad.

I don't really want to dwell on the negative but I do feel like I should explain a little...

I have been so overwhelmed. My things to do list is so long it is taking up three pages. I have so many things I want to do before the baby is born but I don't think I will get them done. I feel like I am running out of time. School is almost out and I have a gagillion things to do before then and it is stressing me out. I am so freakin' exhausted. Wholly cow, that whole "advanced maternal age" thing is no joke. I cannot sit down without falling asleep. Sometimes I am afraid to drive more than a short distance. I am frustrated a lot. I get so mad that I can't do yard work, clean the garage, clean my house, pick up toys from the floor, etc. My body just won't let me. My back screams at me if I try to do much of any of those things and I don't want to fight with it honestly. I am angry. For a control-freak like me, not being able to do the things my mind wants to do is just plain torture. I can try to enlist the help of others but let's face it, no one will do the job the way I want to do it myself. Sorry to admit, but true. I put the pressure on myself to have my house "just so" and to do things a "certain way" and honestly, I like to work. I don't like to just sit around and feel slothy/lazy. It makes me feel good to check things off my list each day. I'm a weirdo. I am so irritable. Look out people, don't cross me, I am close to punching people all the time. Not a day has gone by that someone has not commented on my belly, my choice to have another child, the gender of our baby, etc. Why does everyone in the world feel like they have a right to discuss (usually negatively or rudely) my body merely because I am pregnant? I mean, I have said it before, if you don't have anything nice to say about a pregnant woman's appearance (maybe you're lying, who cares?) then don't say anything at all!!! I am sad. My closest friend moved away last week. Far away. And it feels lonely, really lonely without her. I am worried. We still haven't had any good offers on our house, it's been two years of constant selling. My big tall hubby is really getting sick of driving a long commute. I wonder how in the helicopter (thanks Ruby) am I going to take care of 4 kids this fall when he is at work, all. the. time?! We plan to take the house off the market after the baby is born, no way would I try to have showings and stuff with a newborn, it will be a nice break from that. I know God has a plan for us and I am trusting of that I just wish he'd give us a hint on what that plan is.

So that's a little about how I am feeling. Just kind of "woe is me," down in the dumps, not good. I am putting on my big girl boots and trying to trudge through. I know it will get better. I didn't want to be all dramatic, "feel sorry for me" but with all your nice care and concern I thought I'd better explain myself. I hadn't intended to take a two week break but one day turned into two, then it was two weeks later. I guess sometimes you just get in survival mode and that's all you can do about it.

Thanks again for all your sweetness bloggy friends. You definitely make life better. I love you.

my things to do this week:

• get gifts for Parker's teachers (he is done this Friday with preschool!)
• put all my spring/Easter decorations away (I got them in the basement, just not in their tubs, all that bending over seems like a monumental task)
• reorganize my freezer (things are falling out when I open it)
• try to repair my winter coat storage rack (it fell down mysteriously, I knew I should have got the more expensive one!)
• clean off my desk (woo, this one is really making me itchy)

my menus for this week:

• chili (craving) and deli sandwiches
• egg and veggie frittata (doctor says I need more iron)
• homemade pizza
• hot dogs with sauerkraut (another craving)
• spaghetti (kids' request)
• steaks on the grill (not me, just the veggies please) and potatoes